Dark nights and lonely days (Part one)

(A forewarning, the next two entries are an interconnected long rant that is way too personal. I almost didn’t publish it but then I realized that I really don’t hide anything from any of the readers here anyways, and I needed to get it off my chest. I also have put these in chronological order so as to better understand them)

Thursday, June 8, 2007

Where to begin? Over the last few days I have become a mute, befriended the Cretans, and battled heartlessly against technology. I suppose it began Wednesday night. Elise, Allison, and I wandered the streets talking of NPR and waterfront fiestas for hours. Though we never found a satisfactory bar, it was seemingly a good night. That is, until we went to Alfalfa. At approximately three in the morning, we united with a tiny legion of drunken and high guys from the program.
I suppose, there was nothing outwardly wrong with this encounter. They smiled. We laughed. They commented on life, we pounded fists, they did the ¨¨we’re wasted thing¨, and we parted ways. Underneath this thin veneer of civility, my mind was racing.
I realize now I hate my mind. I’m either caught up in situations so much I loose connection with who I am. When I wander the streets of Sevilla, sometimes I forget I am a corporeal entity and nearly bump into passer-byers. I feels as if I´m a silent observer floating above situations so much so, that at times I loose touch with my sense of self. I have this odd out-of-body experiences daily.
Other times, I completely become self absorbed, garnering the , rapidly analyzing ever inflection, and most importantly making fast paced theories. I am completely immersed in my relationship, my corporeal existence, and posture, I become – in effect – the hands-on director and unwilling actor of my life. Hands-on because I´m completely focused on what the next course of action should be. Unwilling, because my body moves slower and less adeptly than my mind envisions.
In any case, the entire day I was half in a out of body mood. At the moment we ran into the boys, my body analyized absolutely everything about the situation. It felt of tension. I´m not sure why, my theories pointed to me. I have always been uneasy around guys in general. At he beginning of my time here, this crew were typical drinking buddies of mine. I had run away from their friendship for long walks through the city and NPR. I say run away, because I typically refuse to get too close to guys – straight, gay, or otherwise. You have to live or grow up with me, to have any semblense of me opening up. It’s a defence mechanism I´ve known about for a long time, but it made me so angry at that instant.
In any case, I went to bed that night berating myself for the messes I put myself in. This inner monologue, took its hold the next day with almost disasterous results.